I'm Such a Sucker for Love

I never want to forget

• the way you used to let me twirl your wedding ring round your finger
• how when you sneezed it shook the whole house. I never understood how such a big sound could come from such a small lady.
• the way you used to let me play with your nails, and the special times you would paint mine.
• how nice it felt when you would braid my hair.
• your laugh
• your smile
• how you loved to sing, even if there were no words
• how you would sniff my cheek instead of kiss it
• no matter how much bigger then you I was you would always let me hang on you
• laying my head in your lap
• laying my head on your stomach and listening to it gurgle
• the way you would say “its okay! don’t worry about it!”
• when you used to ask me if I’d like to skip school to go shopping with you
• how you’d drop whatever you were doing to take me somewhere
• you knew how to make my food just right
• how you would keep my secrets from Dad
• you always forgave me, no matter what I had said or done I just needed to say I love you and I’m sorry and it would be all better
• how you called me Maganda when I was little
• how you would sing songs to me in tagalog
• kili kili power
• when we watched kiki’s delivery service and you said kiki was slang for vagina in tagalog and wouldn’t stop laughing
• you used to say “if your pic pic wasn’t attached you would lose it!”
• you complained that my prom shoes were more then my dress but bought them anyways
• how hard it must have been for you to ask me to quit school when we couldn’t afford it anymore
• how hard it must have been to know you wouldn’t see me grow old, see me get married, or hold your sweet grandbabies. leaving me with Dad.
• how much pain you must have been in yet you never complained, not until the very very end.
• you spent your last days positively, no more fighting and you didn’t want to listen to us say anything about one another. every time we spoke you made sure to tell us you loved us and that you would always be with us.
• you loved your red lipstick, and red nails. and your eyes were too watery for mascara or eyeliner.
• how selfless you were, you would buy two things for me before you would buy one for you.
• bowling every weekend, you were super competitive.
• the time we went camping and the tent started to blow away with you asleep inside.
• when we went to see the titanic and you fell asleep, and as the boat started to sink you jumped up and screamed “my purse!”
• you stood in line at 3 AM black friday to buy me my first mp3 player, and I broke it a month later.
• you never once accused me stealing, even though I would sneak money out of your room every week.
• how much you loved your long hair
• how much you loved to cook
• you bringing me everywhere you went, the Philippines, Vegas, Florida
• you let me be me, as strange as I was. you didn’t fight me when I rebelled. you waited for me to come around.
• you tried to protect me.
• sitting on your tummy when I was little.
• you coming to all my awards ceremonies, plays, field trips when I was little.
• the time you helped me catch up on all my writing assignments so I could participate in field day.
• watching filipino soap operas with you
• how you would listen to me talk about things and people who don’t matter for hours
• your perfume
• every mother’s day meant Red Lobster, and that’s where you took me to congratulate me on getting hired at Dish
• how proud of me you were when I graduated.
• when you were in the hospital you would order food even though you weren’t hungry and save it for when I would visit.
• how beautiful you were when your hair started to grow back after the first round of treatment, I couldn’t remember ever seeing your hair its natural color, or that short.
• sitting by your hospital bed and holding your hand when I would get scared.
• listening to you talk to the kittays in tagalog

Its supposed to get easier right? Because I can’t imagine ever NOT feeling like this huge part of me is missing. I can’t believe that I will never ever hear your voice again. Or hug you. Or kiss you. Or fight with you even. I can’t believe that your roses are in full bloom right now, and never looked so beautiful and you aren’t here to admire them. I can’t believe I will never fall asleep listening to you read someones cards again. I can’t believe I will never hear you tell another story about the casino, or get to go with you myself. I can’t believe I have to pack up this house and slowly let go of everything that’s you, leave the last place I shared with you. I will never hear you tell me another story about growing up in the Philippines. We will never go to church together again. I just miss you so much. I love you Mom, and I am so so sorry for wasting the little time we had together being a shitty teenager. If I could take it all back and cherish every moment I would. I would have come straight home after school every single day, taken so many more pictures, done anything you ever wanted. I took you for granted and I hope you understand that I get it, I get everything you did for me now. I know you were just watching out for me, you just wanted what was best for me. And now its just Dad and I, and we don’t know how to be without you. I can’t fill your shoes, take care of him like you did. And he doesn’t know how to be you for me, he can’t even say I love you. We need you. I just want you to come home, rub my back until I fall asleep. Wake me up to sing karaoke with you, and spend hours at the flea market or going to garage sales. I want to spend hours rolling egg rolls until my fingers are numb, or snapping green beans. :( I’d give anything for just one more day with you.